Understanding how our self-esteem is created, is helpful in learning how to change it.
Updated: Sep 10
Our self-esteem is shaped by what we hear from our parents, siblings, peers, and teachers about ourselves. It is not the accuracy of those words that matters; it's the number of times we hear them. #changinglowselfesteem
Our unconscious, or subconscious, mind is like a computer’s hard drive, storing and saving all our information. The conscious mind, on the other hand, is the part we use when we’re aware and actively thinking.
After hearing something about ourselves 21 times, it gets recorded in our unconscious mind. Our unconscious mind is designed to count how often we hear a comment before it sticks. Our unconscious mind also records what we hear about our same-sex parents, including their self-referential statements as reflections of our own qualities. Then, once it's recorded, our unconscious mind looks for an opportunity to throw out that comment to our conscious mind, the part of our mind that is aware. Consistently reflecting on a comment reinforces that thought in our unconscious mind, prompting it to seek out more opportunities for expression. The more we dwell on this thought, the stronger it becomes. However, if we ignore and dismiss it 21 times in a row, it loses its influence.
Another factor that shapes our self-esteem is what we choose to focus on from the things we hear in our environment. If, during our early years, our parents focused on the negative, we can develop what I call a "one-eyed view." This means our attention narrows in on negative feedback. Positive comments are barely noticed before being dismissed, while negative ones are dwelt on, replayed, and stored in our unconscious mind. As a result, there’s no balance with a positive perspective.
What we choose to tell ourselves from what we hear gets recorded in our unconscious mind after about 21 repetitions. Our unconscious mind is wired to focus only on how many times we think about something before it becomes ingrained. So we could hear something once, and if we continue to dwell on it, 21 times, it becomes ingrained in our minds and shapes who we are.
The thoughts stored in our unconscious mind often come from things we’ve heard from others in our environment, including what we’ve heard about our same-sex parent, and from patterns of thinking we’ve learned to focus on. These can turn into negative “self-talk” and shape our self-esteem. The “one-eyed view” is something we learn, so it can be unlearned. Since it focuses on the negative in our day, our life, and the world, it can also lead to depression.
To Change Your Self-Esteem
Start by listing your gifts, strengths, and talents—whether they’re traits you were born with or skills you’ve developed over time to help improve the world. Everyone’s gifts are unique, and when we bring them together with those of others, we can create an even bigger impact.
2. Next, let’s reach out to 7 to 10 people and ask them to list what they think our gifts, strengths, and talents are. After we’ve completed our own list, we’ll have them share theirs. The more people we involve, the more valuable insight we’ll gain from the exercise.
Pay attention to the gifts mentioned multiple times by different people. It’s often surprising to realize how many strengths, talents, and abilities others recognize in us. Make one combined list of these gifts, strengths, and talents.
Pay attention when the unconscious mind starts generating negative self-talk, and make a list of the negative thoughts that arise.
Use our list of gifts, strengths, and talents to craft affirmations that replace negative thoughts with positive ones. For example, instead of thinking “We are so stupid,” reframe it to highlight something good about ourselves, like “We are intuitive.”
Pay attention to negative self-thoughts as soon as they arise. When we notice one, stop it immediately by envisioning a stop sign or imagining the thought floating away in a balloon—whatever symbol represents a stop for us. Then, counter that negative thought with a positive affirmation: "I am intuitive." Please successfully repeat this process 21 times in a row. Once our unconscious mind brings the negative thought to our conscious awareness, our brain will replace it with the positive thought.
Follow that procedure for each negative thought. We often carry around seven distinct negative thoughts that we repeat to ourselves constantly.
Pay attention to what we’re thinking and focusing on, as it can create new patterns of negative self-talk.
Surround yourself with people who recognize and celebrate your gifts, strengths, and talents, and steer clear of those who make negative remarks.
The “one-eyed” view is a way of seeing ourselves, our day, our future, and the world in a negative light, which can lead to depression and low self-esteem. It is something we absorb while growing up in our families, but because it’s learned, it can also be unlearned. This narrow perspective focuses only on the negative and overlooks the positive. The “one-eyed” view is one of the seven causes of depression.
Changing your negative view to include the positive one
Take a few moments throughout the day to notice something you’re grateful for in your life or the world around you. Use time in the car, waiting in line, or any spare moment, especially at the end of the day. Share it aloud with your kids in the car, encourage them to do the same, talk about it at the dinner table, and make it a bedtime habit. Soon, this simple practice will become a natural part of our daily routine.
As we practice becoming more aware of our surroundings throughout the day, this new habit will develop. By balancing our perspective with positive thoughts, we'll find that it transforms our outlook and instills a sense of hope. The more we concentrate on feeling grateful, the more experiences we'll encounter that inspire gratitude. This focus on gratitude tends to attract even more positive experiences into our lives. We are influenced by universal laws every day, such as the Law of Attraction, which states, "We attract into our lives what we focus on." (See the Blog on Feeling Grateful.)
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