Understanding how our self-esteem is created, is helpful in learning how to change it.

Our self-esteem is shaped by what we hear from our parents, siblings, peers, and teachers about ourselves. It is not the accuracy of those words that matters; it's the number of times we hear them. #changinglowselfesteem

Our unconscious, or subconscious, mind is like a computer’s hard drive, storing and saving all our information. The conscious mind, on the other hand, is the part we use when we’re aware and actively thinking.

After hearing something about ourselves 21 times, it gets recorded in our unconscious mind. Our unconscious mind is designed to count how often we hear a comment before it sticks. Our unconscious mind also records what we hear about our same-sex parents, including their self-referential statements as reflections of our own qualities. Then, once it's recorded, our unconscious mind looks for an opportunity to throw out that comment to our conscious mind, the part of our mind that is aware. Consistently reflecting on a comment reinforces that thought in our unconscious mind, prompting it to seek out more opportunities for expression. The more we dwell on this thought, the stronger it becomes. However, if we ignore and dismiss it 21 times in a row, it loses its influence.

Another factor that shapes our self-esteem is what we choose to focus on from the things we hear in our environment. If, during our early years, our parents focused on the negative, we can develop what I call a "one-eyed view." This means our attention narrows in on negative feedback. Positive comments are barely noticed before being dismissed, while negative ones are dwelt on, replayed, and stored in our unconscious mind. As a result, there’s no balance with a positive perspective.

What we choose to tell ourselves from what we hear gets recorded in our unconscious mind after about 21 repetitions. Our unconscious mind is wired to focus only on how many times we think about something before it becomes ingrained. So we could hear something once, and if we continue to dwell on it, 21 times, it becomes ingrained in our minds and shapes who we are.

The thoughts stored in our unconscious mind often come from things we’ve heard from others in our environment, including what we’ve heard about our same-sex parent, and from patterns of thinking we’ve learned to focus on. These can turn into negative “self-talk” and shape our self-esteem. The “one-eyed view” is something we learn, so it can be unlearned. Since it focuses on the negative in our day, our life, and the world, it can also lead to depression.

To Change Your Self-Esteem

1. Start by making a list of what we see as your gifts, strengths, and talents. These could be things we are born with or skills we’ve developed to help make the world a better place. Everyone’s gifts are unique, and when we combine ours with those of others, we can make an even greater impact.

2. Next, ask as many people as we can—aim for 7 to 10—to make a list of what they think our gifts, strengths, and talents are. Have them share their list after we’ve finished our own. The more people we involve, the more insight we’ll gain from the exercise.

3. Notice which gifts are mentioned more than once by different people. We are usually surprised by how many strengths, talents, and abilities others see in us. Create a single, combined list of these gifts, strengths, and talents.

4. Be mindful when our unconscious mind begins to create negative self-talk. List the negative thoughts that come to mind.

5. Use our list of gifts, strengths, and talents to create an affirmation that counters our negative thoughts. For instance, when thinking "We are so stupid," reframe it to reflect something positive about ourselves, like "We are intuitive."

6. Pay attention to negative self-thoughts as soon as they arise. When we notice one, stop it immediately by envisioning a stop sign or imagining the thought floating away in a balloon—whatever symbol represents a stop for us. Then, counter that negative thought with a positive affirmation: "I am intuitive." Please successfully repeat this process 21 times in a row. Once our unconscious mind brings the negative thought to our conscious awareness, our brain will replace it with the positive thought.

7. Follow that procedure for each negative thought. We often carry around seven distinct negative thoughts that we repeat to ourselves constantly.

8. Listen to what we are thinking and what we are focused on, because we can record new negative self-talk.

9. Surround ourselves with others who speak about our gifts, strengths, and talents. Avoid people who make negative comments.

The “one-eyed” view is a way of seeing ourselves, our day, our future, and the world in a negative light, which can lead to depression and low self-esteem. It’s something we pick up as we grow up in our families, but since it’s learned, it can be unlearned. This narrow perspective focuses only on the negative and overlooks the positive. The “one-eyed” view is just one of the seven causes of depression.

Changing your negative view to include the positive one

Take a few moments throughout the day to notice something you’re grateful for in your life or the world around you. Use time in the car, waiting in line, or any spare moment, especially at the end of the day. Share it aloud with your kids in the car, encourage them to do the same, talk about it at the dinner table, and make it a bedtime habit. Soon, this simple practice will become a natural part of our daily routine.

As we practice becoming more aware of our surroundings throughout the day, this new habit will develop. By balancing our perspective with positive thoughts, we'll find that it transforms our outlook and instills a sense of hope. The more we concentrate on feeling grateful, the more experiences we'll encounter that inspire gratitude. This focus on gratitude tends to attract even more positive experiences into our lives. We are influenced by universal laws every day, such as the Law of Attraction, which states, "We attract into our lives what we focus on.". (See the Blog on Feeling Grateful.)