Coping with Illness and Pain

Dealing with illness and chronic pain can be incredibly challenging, often leaving us feeling isolated. As someone who experiences this myself, I want to share what I’ve learned, along with insights from my work as a therapist, in the hope of helping others. My techniques are based on understanding how the brain functions, and I have applied this knowledge to coping with illness and pain. When I teach these techniques, I explain the brain’s role to make it easier to understand how and why they work. The brain is complex, and there is still much to learn about its functioning. We can also look to nature for insights into our physical processes.

What we know about pain is that it is essential to find ways to stop or interrupt the pain cycle. Managing it often involves medication, and staying ahead of the pain is key to avoiding flare-ups. Finding the right drug and dosage can take some trial and error, and sometimes a mix of medications works best. Having a doctor who really understands your condition is crucial, even if finding one takes time. Learning more about your illness can help you figure out which specialists you need for treatment and pain control. Teaching hospitals can be great resources, often offering neurology clinics run by residents under the guidance of experienced doctors. Pain management specialists focus on care designed to ease discomfort.

Biofeedback teaches us how to make small adjustments in our bodies. When stress hits, adrenaline speeds up our heart rate and breathing, and when we’re in pain, our muscles tighten. With biofeedback, we can ease pain, relax our muscles, and slow our heart rate and breathing.

Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to form and reorganize connections, especially when learning something new or recovering from injury. It’s how the brain adapts—rewiring itself by creating new pathways and strengthening existing ones. The more we focus on something, such as pain, the stronger those neural connections grow.

When we experience pain, it can feel overwhelming and make it difficult to concentrate on anything else. Simple actions, like placing an ice cube on our leg, can create a cold sensation that temporarily distracts us from the discomfort. The key is to find something more engaging than the pain itself, like watching an intense movie, which distracts us. Although the pain may not completely vanish, it can fade into the background of our awareness. Redirecting our focus in this way can help break the cycle of reinforcing pain.

Additionally, engaging in activities that relax our muscles is beneficial since pain often leads to muscle tension.

Imagine you are in a relaxing place. When you do, your body thinks you are in that place. And it relaxes you as if you are in that place. #usingimagination2relax #how2relax

Studies show that picturing a peaceful setting can trigger physical responses similar to actually being there. It can be tough to focus on guided imagery when we’re in pain. Place an ice pack or heating pad on the forehead or abdomen while taking deep yoga breaths. With regular practice, this mental skill becomes easier to use. Pairing guided imagery with ocean waves, whale songs, or other calming nature sounds or music can help transport us to another place. As we imagine ourselves there, we can relax each muscle group from head to toe—a method called progressive relaxation that can ease pain. There are plenty of guided imagery videos, audio recordings, and mindfulness meditations on YouTube to help with this technique.

Our thoughts can drift from our imagery, but we can gently guide them back. Thinking about problems can quickly trigger adrenaline. Even just thinking, “We have to hurry,” our body sends a surge of adrenaline as if we need to run there—something we haven’t really needed since our cave-dwelling days. But since we’re not actually running, that burst of energy isn’t useful, leaving us feeling irritable and then anxious. Our body’s way of helping is by releasing adrenaline, responding to our thoughts as if they were literally happening in the moment. Adrenaline impairs our thinking because the brain prioritizes physical energy over cognitive function in stressful situations. It’s important to keep our adrenaline off unless truly faced with an emergency. Constantly running on adrenaline puts a strain on our hearts and lungs, increasing the risk of heart attacks. Plus, when adrenaline disrupts or shuts down the digestive system, it can cause issues like constipation or diarrhea. We don't have to wait until we have a moment by ourselves; use a moment in our car when we are stuck in traffic, or when we are standing in line at the grocery store. Take some relaxing breaths. Breathe in deep from your abdomen, out through your mouth. Breathe in good energy and breathe out stress. Tell your body to relax. The more you practice it, the more you will benefit from it. If we are in the car with our kids, have them do it too! Teachers can do it in their classrooms. Children are great at imagining, so teach them early how to use their creativity to relax.

Feelings are like waves that flow in and out of our conscious awareness. The feelings associated with illness and pain are the same feelings we experience when we experience a loss. I believe our feelings are hard-wired. I have observed that feelings of loss remain constant, no matter the type of loss or the circumstances surrounding it.

#feelingsoflossillnessandpain

Facing an illness goes through the same process of loss as losing a job, experiencing a divorce, or coping with the death of a loved one. We experience various emotions such as sadness, anger, and guilt when dealing with any loss or illness. Verbalizing feelings involves a process similar to grieving the loss of a loved one. Recovery from such experiences typically progresses through four stages:

1. Denial

2. The feeling stage (which includes sadness, anger, and guilt)

3. Recalling positive memories from before the illness or pain

4. Acceptance

It's important to understand that experiencing the stages of grief does not happen in a straightforward, linear manner. People often find themselves moving back and forth between denial and the feeling stage: sadness, anger, and guilt, as well as reflecting on memories of their past, particularly what they were able to do before their illness. Typically, this cycle continues for about six months, after which the denial stage usually comes to an end. The denial stage allows us time to incorporate the repercussions of our illness and gives us time to get used to the idea of our long-term prognosis.

The second stage is the feeling stage, where waves of sadness, anger, and guilt wash over us. These emotions don’t follow any set order—they come and go. They shift unpredictably, moving from one feeling to the next, or from one memory to another.

The third stage is the memory stage, filled with recollections of healthier days before pain and illness. These memories can be intrusive, bringing flashbacks that stir sadness and anger because illness now limits activities once enjoyed. Pain keeps us from pursuing hobbies, interests, and sometimes even simple daily tasks.

Ideally, painful feelings and memories can be acknowledged and verbalized so that over time results in a decrease in frequency and intensity. There are three ways to process feelings and memories,

1. verbalize them to someone we trust

2. acknowledge and express them through crying, journaling or

3. express them creatively through art, music, dance, or poetry.

Feelings can hit us at the worst times, and when we’re swept up in them, it can feel like we’re drowning. Coping skills can help pull us out so we can choose a better time to talk about what’s going on or simply allow ourselves to feel it. Bottling emotions can lead to stomach issues, loss of appetite, and depression. Think of your stomach like a balloon—talking or thinking about feelings lets some of the air out. When we stuff feelings too much, they can show up in our dreams, and unprocessed losses can turn into a depression that lingers just below the surface.

Joining a group of people who share the same illness or pain, such as a Facebook group, can be incredibly valuable. The wealth of information shared is priceless, as members are often at different stages of their journey and can offer insights to help us move forward. And who better to truly understand our feelings than those who have been through the same struggles? In these groups, we can express our emotions, be understood, and feel supported, making the journey less lonely. Talking to a therapist can also help us work through feelings of anger and sadness.

It takes anywhere from 2-4 years to process a loss. The more we process our feelings, the less intense and the less frequent, they become over time.

Memories of things we used to do that we can no longer do because of our illness may trigger sadness and anger. When we process feelings, it triggers our adrenaline. To turn off our adrenaline, always follow processing feelings with any of our coping skills to rebalance ourselves. Use whatever pace works taking control of when and how much to process at any given time. See my coping skills blog below for your convenience.

Any new loss will retrigger our feelings. Our feelings are all categorized in our brain in the same place, just like a single file on a computer so when you open it up, all of the experiences we have had that caused that same feeling, come tumbling out. If we haven't processed our feelings from this loss, they will be retriggered when another loss occurs, and they will have the intensity that we left.

The last stage is acceptance, when we’ve adjusted our lives to better care for ourselves. This can mean improving coping skills, changing up exercise and physical activities, exploring new hobbies and interests, adapting our daily routines, and recognizing our limitations. It’s also about learning to reach out for support, even if it doesn’t come naturally.

Coping with stress is all about turning off our adrenaline, which is our body's only way of helping us. This is true when we are in a stressful situation and when we are thinking about a stressful situation. This includes when we are processing the loss of a loved one or loss of health or pain. When our adrenaline is running, we are irritable and then become anxious. Adrenaline speeds up our heart rate and our breathing and it shuts down our digestion and immune system. The stress cycle ends with us feeling depleted or depressed. We are more apt to get sick when our stress cycle is running because our immune system is off. It's off because our body pulls all our resources to fight or flee. #copingwithillnessandpain

Anytime our stress level is higher than our coping techniques, we feel irritable and anxious and then depleted and depressed.

There are 4 categories of coping skills:

1. exercise or physical activity

2. hobbies or interests

3. friends and support

4. relaxation

If you are under normal stress, (stress is the amount of change you are experiencing), you want to use each category 3 x a week for 20 minutes each. Two coping skills every day for average stress.

If our stress level is higher than normal, and coping with illness and pain is higher than normal stress, we want to increase our coping skills to match our stress level. If we feel irritable, then our adrenaline is still running, and we want to add more coping skills. What is higher than normal stress? Any problem that needs solving, a job change, promotion, divorce, and loss of health or pain. The death of a loved one is the highest stress level that exists.

Each of the 4 categories of coping skills work differently to turn our adrenaline off. Understanding how they work, helps us decide which category to use.

When our stress is from an illness or pain, we have to replace many of the coping skills we had previous to the illness.

1. Exercise and physical activity including cleaning because it uses up our extra energy. (Adrenaline = Energy) Exercise and physical activity will use up energy as long as we are not thinking about what triggered the stressful situation or problem. If we continue to think about it, our body will trigger more adrenaline because it's the only way our body has to help us. If it's a problem that needs to be solved, don't think about it before going to sleep because our body will just produce more energy because our body thinks we need to stay awake to solve it right now. Look for options earlier than bedtime. There are at least 3 options for every problem. See the problem-solving blog for more information. I've adapted the information at the bottom of this blog post because encountering a new illness is also a problem to be solved. Walking, yoga, and swimming are examples.

2. Escaping with hobbies or interests. Hobbies and interests work because when our mind is occupied while we are doing our hobby with friends or by ourselves, we are not thinking about whatever we were stressed about. After 20 minutes, our body turns off our adrenaline.

3. Friends and support can work in two different ways. First, spending time with friends can be an escape. Or second, talking about it can be helpful in two ways. If stress is a problem that needs to be solved, more heads are better than one when looking for options to solve a problem. And second, feelings can be processed. Talking about it" is letting air out of the balloon".

4. Relaxation. We want to choose ways to relax that get our heart rate lower than it is when we are resting. As an example, watching fish in an aquarium works because the movement is slower than our heart rate. Taking a bath with candles and listening to spa music where music is designed to slow our heart rate like Bach. Use progressive relaxation (telling each muscle group to relax starting with your head to your toes) or use visualization (imagine we are someplace relaxing). Inconsequently, when our heart rate is lower than it is when we are resting, our body thinks we are asleep, and it reboots our immune system.

In summary, use at least 2 coping skills a day, from each category, for 20 minutes each. Add more coping skills when we are having higher than normal stress on a particular day, or a particular time in our life. The goal is to keep our adrenaline off, so we are not running the stress cycle. (Triggering adrenaline and then being exhausted). We want to have at least 3 or more different types of coping skills in each category, to choose from on any given day, to create balance in our life. Three or more ways to use up our adrenaline, yoga, walking, and cleaning. Three or more types of hobbies; playing with dogs, watching movies, reading a book. Three close friends that we can confide in and three or more friends we can do activities with. And three different ways to relax; guided imagery, massage, or acupuncture. We have to consciously add them into life and when we lose interest in one, we replace it with another.

If we were to only have one coping skill in each category, it is too limiting. For example, if it is one type of exercise, it's too demanding physically on one part of our body, like running, we injure our knees or only walking it's too much strain eventually on our feet. If we are limited to one friend, when that friendship ends, it's devastating. If shopping is our only hobby, then we overspend because we are always going to that activity, when we need an escape.

My coping skills and my distractions from my pain are snuggling with my 3 dogs, enjoying my goldfish and koi pond (see video of it pictured above), watching my 55-gallon aquarium with goldfish and koi (pictured below), listening to my zebra finches and my canary, growing indoor and outside flowers and plants, and listening to books from the library on my phone. They are some of my coping skills that bring me joy. They help pull me out of my experience of pain into the present moment.

Unfortunate as it is, our illness is a problem that needs to be solved. I apply my problem-solving techniques to having an illness below. See my problem-solving blog for more details about problem-solving skills.

Problem-solving skills in a nutshell: At least 3 options exist for every problem.

That includes managing our illness. We have to make treatment decisions that lead to the best outcome. It’s important to learn about our condition so we know which physician specialties to seek out. Research can be done online and through consultations with experts. Finding a knowledgeable team of doctors takes time, and the narrow focus of some specialties means we need to be diligent in finding all the care we need to support healing. For the best results, it’s an ongoing process of gaining knowledge and scheduling appointments with various specialists.

Since even thinking about a problem triggers adrenaline, which then starts the stress cycle, we want to turn our adrenaline off after researching or problem-solving our illness. We can take some deep breaths and imagine we are in a relaxing place. Or spend 20 minutes exercising, cleaning, or engaging in a hobby or interest for 20 minutes. Any of these will turn off the adrenaline and the stress cycle. Once we have at least three treatment options, consider or list the pros and cons of each one. Then, think about or list the short- and long-term consequences of each option. Then we are in the best position to decide on an option. And we can stop thinking about it for now because unless we come across new knowledge that requires action or another option, we do not want to turn on the adrenaline, which then turns on the stress cycle.

In summary, coping with illness and pain takes numerous skills. First, our illness is a problem to be solved. We have to research our illnesses to gain information and knowledge that will empower us to find the specialists we need to treat us. Our team may consist of three or four different specialists, a pain management doctor, and a physical therapist.

We have to increase our coping skills during our illness, and if we have chronic pain, continue to have additional coping skills to distract us and bring us momentary joy or pleasure. We can create hobbies that distract us from the pain. We can find support from people who suffer from the same illness.

It takes two to four years to process the feelings associated with having an illness. Allow ourselves to feel and verbalize or journal, anger and sadness, without getting stuck in our feelings. Follow our expression of feelings with coping skills to pull us out of them. This processing will let air out of the balloon, so our feelings become less intense and less frequent over time, rather than stuffing or swallowing them, which would create long-term depression and digestive issues.

It helps to consciously keep adrenaline in check by matching our coping skills to our stress levels. Using visualization and relaxation techniques can ease pain and break the stress cycle. The more we practice relaxation and guided imagery, the better our bodies become at relaxing, making it easier and more effective to manage discomfort. Turn off our adrenaline by simply telling ourselves, either out loud or silently, "I'm calm and relaxed," and our body will respond by relaxing. The more we practice it, the deeper our body will respond and relax.

Look for medication that can break the pain cycle and take it regularly to stay ahead of the discomfort. It might take a mix of medicines and some trial and error to figure out the right one and the right dose to prevent breakthrough pain. Work with a knowledgeable doctor and keep the communication open to find what works best.

The more we keep our focus off the pain, the better. Consciously pull your mind away from reinforcing the pathway from the pain to the brain. Interrupt it with medication, coping skills, guided imagery and relaxation, exercise, watching a movie, taking a bath or shower, listening to music or a book, or talking to someone. Find positive affirmations that encourage you.

Think of things to be grateful for. Thinking about what we are grateful for actually attracts more things to be grateful for.

Universal laws exist that affect us every day. The Law of Attraction. "We attract to our lives what we focus on." Every aspect of our lives is governed by Universal Laws. Not only "The Law of Attraction" but "The Law of Cause and Effect", "The Power of Expectancy", "The Law of Belief", "The Law of Love", "The Law of Guidance", "The Law of Balance" (Bringing balance to your life.), and "The Law of Multiplicity". "The Law of Multiplicity is the effect of our actions multiplied. If our intention, thought, or action is kind to ourselves or others, that kindness comes back to us multiplied. #weattracttoourliveswhatwefeelgrateful4 #feelinggrateful #thelawofmultiplicity #lawofmanification A lesser-known and often misunderstood concept is the "Law of Manifestation."Our thoughts, when held onto long enough, shape our reality. If we desire something but stay focused on the wanting, the universe can’t deliver it because we’re fixated on the lack of it. By believing wholeheartedly that we already have it and feeling grateful for it, if it’s in our highest good, the universe will bring it to us. The most straightforward book I’ve found on Universal Laws is *Your Life: Why It Is the Way It Is and What You Can Do About It*—*Understanding the Universal Laws* by Bruce McArthur.

My self-help book was inspired by my patients who wanted to know if I had written down what I teach in therapy. After three patients asked me, I began writing it down, and it turned into this book. I offer a philosophy of healing holistically, physically, emotionally, cognitively, spiritually, and interpersonally."Total Wellness" and "How to Live a Peaceful and Harmonious Life".

Message me if you are interested in purchasing a copy of my book. You can mail me a check, and I will mail you a copy.

Please see my blog about my journey with Ramsay-Hunt Syndrome.